Title: SMS Jokes Post by: Mark David on February 12, 2007, 10:16:41 AM Children
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. Then... My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Marraige Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry 6 Or 8 A blonde walks into a pizza shop and orders a pizza, the pizza guy says "do you want it cut into 6 or 8?" the blonde replys "6 please im not that hungry!" Money Reducing Agent WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind! Prabability The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action Women and Magnet What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side! Thinnest Book What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women Calf What do you call a calf after it's six months old? Half One Hundred Feet What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede What is it? What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck. Mathematics Maths teacher asked RAJA : If u have 12 chocalate and u give 5 to PRIYA, 3 to PINKY and 4 to SAPNA then wat will u get ? RAJA replied :Sir! 3 new girl friends Gita pe haath Lawyer to Sardar : Gita pe haath laga kar kaho ke....... Sardar :yeh kya! Sita pe haath lagaya to court me bulaya, ab fir Gita pe haath? Love Marraige vs Arranged It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED. It's like asking someone,if suicide is better or being murdered. Bad Luck I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't Santa Singh Raj:Where was the Decleration of Independence signed? Santa Singh:at the bottom. After Six Raj:What comes after six? Santa singh:The milk man. By The Time... By the time u realise what your parents said was right... U will have a kid who begins to think you are wrong..!! Free From Darkness when ur life is in darkness pary 2 God ask him 2 free u from darkness & if after u pray,& u r still in darkness,pls pay ur ELECTRICITY BILL! When Im Gone Husband says"When Im gone you'll nevr find another man like me". Wife replied"What makes you think I'd want another man like you?!!!". History History says in the year 1956 Bombay's red light area caught fire. It took 30 mins to bring fire under control but 3 hrs to bring firemen under control ! Earthquake NEWSFLASH - Earthquake in Pakistan...20,000 dead...US sending cash, Australia sending food, Britain sending replacement Pakis A Few Blind Men Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. Husband Wanted A lady gave an advertisement in the classifieds : "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a 100 letters. They all said da same thing : "U can have mine" Thief & Lady Thief : quickly hand over your purse I have a gun Lady : here take it Thief : ha! ha! no bullets in my gun. Lady : ha! ha! no money in my purse Married the Wrong Man @ da cocktail party 1 woman said to another "Aren't u wearing ur wedding ring on da wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married da wrong man." Toilet roll How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? We don't know. Never happens. Honey, Im home! What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home! Good morning Good morning...Have u done two of the most important things when you wake up today? 1)Pray, so that u may live 2)Take a bath-so that others may live too! No Brain Detected This msg. will refresh your brain in 5 seconds. 5.... 4.... 3.... 2.... 1.... Error : No Brain Detected !! Water I mixed RUM in water and got drunk. I mixed BRANDY in water and got drunk. I mixed WHISKY in water and got drunk again. Now I have decided never to drink water again !!! Return Ticket Can I have a return ticket please. Certainly, where to? Back here, you fool How to amuse a Blonde To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with 'Please turn over' scribbled on both sides. - ali How dangerous? If a pen is mightier than a sword and a photo more powerful than a thousand words, how dangerous can a fax be ? Miss Druggy Little miss druggy sat in her buggy smoking an ounce of weed along cam a spider skinned up beside her and sold her a kilo of speed. Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS 1)dey r always out of order 2)dey stink 3)the nice ones r always engaged 4)dey consume large amounts of liquid 5)r constantly full of shit! Jack & Jill (part 2) Jack & Jill went up the hill 2fetch a pale of water.we dont no wot they did up there but they came back wiv a daughter Archeologists How do you piss off an archeologist? Show her a used tampon and ask her wot period it came from! Mary had a little lamb.. Mary had a little lamb & tied it to a pylon, a 1000 volts shot up its ass & turned it into nylon - mary Woman A train is bout 2 crash! A frantic virgin strips off & says "can any1 make me feel like a woman b4 i die?". So a man takes off his clothes & says "iron these! Thumbs A study has proven that all Lesbians n Homosexuals use their THUMB while reading a SMS. Now its 2 late dont try 2 change your finger, naughty caught ya! Touch it gently Touch it gently, put your finger inside, if hole is big, put three fingers, rub it up & down gently thats the right way of washing glass!!! naughty you;) Make me feel like a women She took off his pants gently & whispered: "make me feel like a woman". He smiled & threw the pants at her and said: "GO WASH IT". SPOON Hey, I'm very moody. I miss u very much. I can't eat. Where r u? How am i going 2 eat with out u, especially now. Oh where r u -- my "SPOON"! 911 Why can't a blonde dial 911? Because She can't find the eleven!!! - rabia_s So why study? The more you study. The more you know. The more you know. The more you forget. The more you forget. The less you know. So why study? Fourty Years Do you think I can live for another fourty years? Do you drink? No! Do you smoke? No! Do you visit whores? No! Why do you want to live another fourty years? Bigamy Bigamy What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law ! Mosquito Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother. "yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause." - mini_js My husband said.. When do you know a woman is going to say something interesting ? When she starts with "My husband said..." Maths How do u teach a blonde maths? U subtract her chlothes Devide her legs And square root her. Autumn A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn". Guess What It Is A man roasts a DEER & asks son 2 guess wht it is. son cant guess so man says CMON its somthin ur mom calls me. son says O PLS DONT TELL ME WE R EATING AN ASSHOLE! An Excellent Speech Wife-tat was an excellent speech. husband - thanks but the audience was full of fools. wife - is that y u addressed ?em as brothers n sisters? Indian cricket team Indian cricket team got kidnapped n they r asking for Rs100 cross 2 release the team OR else they'll put kerosene n burn them. pls contribute. i gave 5 ltr of kerosene On the other side! A blonde is on 1 side of a lake and yells 2 another blonde across the lake, How do I get 2 the other side? The other blonde yells back, U R on the other side! Is it going in? Tell me is it going in? yeah is it hurting? ooh yeah ouch its hurtin ok i wil put it in slowly stil hurtin ahh yeh den lets try d other shoe madam U Pervert Whats rough and hairy on the outside and soft and wet in the inside starts with C ends in T and has a U & a N in it? Answer - a coconut u pervert. Jack & Jill Jack & Jill went up da hill 2 have a little fun. But stupid Jill forgot da pill and now they have a son. The Rain The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful, why doesn't it rain on you? Smarter 3 men came acros a female genie who prmsd 2 grant each one a wish. The 1st man said 'i wish i were 25% smarter. d genie blinkd & the man said 'hey, i feel smarter alrdy'. the 2nd man said 'i wish i were 50% smarter' the genie blinkd & the man said 'tats wonderful! i thnk i knw thngs that i didnt knw b4' the 3rd man said 'i'd like 2b 100% smarter' genie blinkd & he turned in 2 a woman. How to impress How to impress a woman: compliment her kiss her love her tease her protect her listen to her support her. How 2 impress a man: Show up naked, bring beer Beauty or Brains The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Clowns Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Bcoz they taste funny! Stop this shit What did one butt cheek say to the other cheek? 'If we stick together we can stop this shit!' Still Together After Shit What did one butt cheek say to the other? After all the shit we've been through, we're still together! Where's My Roof Yesterday night I layed on my bed Looking at the stars Then I wondered... Hey where the hell IS MY ROOF!! You're nuts A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' Big Spender A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Plead With Reason A 10 year old boy shot his parents dead and pleaded with the judge for mercy. I am a poor, pitiful orphan, he said. Sausage Love Doc! My family thinks I'm mad bcoz I luv sausage. There's nothing wrong with that. I like sausage 2. Really? You muz come N C my collection, I've got thousands! Warning! Children playing outside the car can cause accident and adults playing inside the car can cause children by accident! Friends are like hair Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough $money$ you can buy them back. On Purpose Be tactful, never alienate anyone on purpose. Try to make it look like an accident. The secret of being young The secret of being young? Sleep the right number of hours Go with the right crowd Eat the right food And, Tell the WRONG age! You are Beautiful I saw you walking on the street. Your eyes your lips your nose everything look perfect. I couldn't help sing to myself 'WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!! WOOF !' Teacher & Pupil Teacher: all your answers must be oral. child: ok. teacher: what standard are u in? child: oral. My Bra A good friend is like a good bra hard to find very comfortable supportive and always close to the heart HELLO MY GD BRA Precious Friend like Me It's so hard 2 lose some1 that is 99% cute, 98%sweet, 95% loving, 90% talented n 100% down 2 earth. That's me! what a waste if u lose me.. Sales Bride's father hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.' Cat This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, an cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat!. Now read it without the word cat. Cool Job I want to suck you... I want to lick you... I wanna move my tongue all over you... I want to feel you in my mouth... that's how u... Eat an ice cream... Help the Homeless I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home. Built upside down? If our nose runs and our feet smell, are we built upside down? Talking Dirty When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute. Breath When you breath, you inspire. When you don't breath, you expire. Mushrooms Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so that's why they look so much like umbrellas. Angel in Heaven When I was a kid, my mom told me that angels live in heaven. Now I know that it is not true. Because if angels live in heaven, WHY AM I HERE? Smokers Anyone know why people don't get white hair if they smoke? Because smokers die early, so they don?t have the chances to get old. Hubby & Wife A wife asks hubby how many woman he had slept with? Husband proudly replies Only You Darling, with others i was awake. Nice Ass I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass. SO SCARY Something Kept Appearing in my mind! Know what?s that? Your Face... Your Smile... Your Everything... SO SCARY! Title: Re: SMS Jokes Post by: Taruna on February 12, 2007, 12:02:46 PM A nwly pased Dr. was doing 1st operatn in his career.As d operatn finished.He bent on his knes,move his head upwrds & said HEY KAALI MAA MERI YE BHET SWIKAR KAR
Upar wale ne ek dost mere liye banaya hai jise tere roop me maine paya hai tu mere dil me aise samaya hai jaise baajre ke khet me saand ghus aaya hai.... Nakhra twada tauba tauba,ajeeb twaade style hai, msg kadi kärna nahi rolla paya sade kol mobile hai THOUGHT 4 TODAY.."A foolish man tels a woman 2 stop talking,bt a wise man tells her that she looks extremely beautiful when her lips r closed Title: Re: SMS Jokes Post by: Khushi on February 12, 2007, 12:13:50 PM Aap kiya jano hum kitna aap ko yaad karte hai
mano ya na mano, har pal faryad karte hai, roz khat likhte hai CARTOON NTWK ko, aur bas aaphilo dekhane ki mang kiya karte hai. -------------------- Tu chandramukhi main surajmukhi, tu mujhse dukhi main tujhse dukhi, chatt se chalang laga de, phir tu bhi sukhi main bhi sukhi. -------------------- Apun dono ka dosti ek dam jakkas hona mangta hai. Jakkas bole toh apun haar tu poti, apun sabji tu roti, apun pani tu tanki, apun tarzan tu monkey. -------------------- Jee main aata hai, jee main aata hai tere hoto ko choom lo, teri ye behti hui naak ne irada badal diya. -------------------- Kabhi kabhi mere dil main khayaal aata hai, kabhi kabhi mere dil main khayaal aata hai, "ke kyun mere dil main khayaal aat aata" -------------------- Botal chhupa do kafan mein, kabar mein piya karunga, jab mangega hisab khuda to peg bana ke diya karunga... -------------------- One sardar was so kanjus, so kanjus kanjus...so kanjus...so kanjus...so kanjus...so kanjus that he went alone to his honeymoon. Title: Re: SMS Jokes Post by: Khushi on February 12, 2007, 12:14:35 PM Jab kutte ki maut aati hai..............
Jab kutte ki maut aati hai.............. Jab kutte ki maut aati hai.............. tab..... tab..... tab..... Kutta mar jaata hai. -------------------- Dil ka dard dil todne wale kya jane, Pyar ke rivazon ko zamana kya jane, Hoti hai kitni takleef ladki patane mein, Ye ghar pe baitha ladki ka baap kya jaane. -------------------- lamha lamha waqt guzar jayeya, chand lamhon mein exams aayega , abhi waqt hai do line padlo , varna pass kaun munnabhai karvaaga. -------------------- Machchar ne aapko kata wo uska JUNUN tha, aapne khujli ki wo aapka SUKUN tha, chahkar bhi aapne use nahi mara bcoz uski ragon mein bhi aapka hi KHOON tha. Title: Re: SMS Jokes Post by: Taruna on February 12, 2007, 05:57:22 PM GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest. BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
I want to share Everything with you. Your JOYS, Your SADNESS, Your HAPPY MOMENTS Every single second of day Let us START with your ATM Password first. Dating process: 6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U. 6 months : Of course I love U. 6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose? There is always a "DRIVE SLOW" board near boy's schools, but n ot near girl's college.. Why? COZ vehicles automatically go slow.... History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ? Student: Sir, I am not sure but I think from page 15 to 26. Q: What kind of food does a race horse eat? A: Fast food hey listen she asked me u r details...so i gave her u r cell number. so she will meet u soon.... her name is smile.... i think she came. 2day, 2morrow & 4ever, there will be 1 heart that would always beat 4 u. U know whose?? YOUR OWN Heartbeats are countless .... Spirits are ageless .... Dreams are endless..... Memories are timeless.... A friend like you ....... Shameless!!! Museum administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you've broken. Banta Singh: Thank God! I thought it was a new one! |