Bank On It: Places to Hide and Invest Money


Today I passed a thermometer at a bank that read 110 degrees, but I am not telling you that to show you how hot it was. I am telling you that because this bank really needs to fix their thermometer. According to their thermometer, it was also 110 degrees in December. There are a lot of people, places and things that can be more accurate with the weather, and as I've never said (but have always wanted to), "Whatever I trust with the weather is what I also trust with my money." Here are some examples:

A random old lady: Certain beings can predict the weather through their bones, and that group includes random old ladies and dogs. I specify "random" because that way I won't get e-mails from people stating, "Hey, why are you messing with my grandmom? Are you saying she's like an alien or some kind of meteorologist or something?" And no, I'm not. I am talking about a "random" old lady, and grandmoms don't fit into that category, not even on Bingo Night. Regardless, my plan is to give my money to one of these random old ladies instead of keeping it at a bank because I know this lady won't go too far with it, and if she does disappear, I'll know to find her in Florida. Also, I don't have to worry about her making any silly investments except for lottery tickets and candy buttons. Plus, who is going to try to rob a random old lady? It's just not feasible...

A kangaroo: Kangaroos were created with pouches for a reason. Contrary to popular belief, it has nothing to do with holding their young. In reality, kangaroos are living banks (and weather forecasters), ready to take your deposit and hold onto it until they die. Some may say that depositing money into a kangaroo's pouch is bad because there will be no interest on the money. But think again -- we're talking about a kangaroo hopping around with money here. There's gotta be a lot of interest there!

A weather vane: Nothing beats a good weather vane with a metal rooster on top of it, except for maybe a weather vane with a real rooster on top of it. All people need to do is hide their money somewhere on a weather vane because most people will never think to look there for money. In fact, most people don't even look at them anymore for the weather. It's a win-win situation, with you being both the first winner and the second winner...

A man-eating fish with a keen sense of finances and the guarding of finances: No explanation necessary.

An outdoor basketball court: One can determine the weather by the amount of people playing basketball outside, as well as what they are wearing when they play. So the weather is taken care of already. As for the financial aspect, I would put all of my money on -- or near (why be picky?) -- the top of a backboard. That way the only people who could reach it already likely have lucrative contracts and wouldn't need the money anyway. If it turns out that someone else is able to grab the money, I'll just call a foul at some point afterwards and I'll get two free throws, a suitable replacement for cash...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)